Where we wrestle with the sublime, mysterious, powerful and often frustrating paradox of God's necessary grace.

Monday, August 4, 2008


This is from another blog of mine:

Matter: (n) 1. the substance or substances of which any physical object consists or is composed.7. something of consequence... 8. importance or significance. (http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/matter)


Do I matter? Is there any reason I'm hereandnow, any reason at all apart from random biological chance during my conception? Has God actually created me--via my parents and all my ancestors up the chain of being--with a definite purpose in mind or am I nothing more than the end result of some foreplay? If the latter, the issue ends here. C'est la vie, c'est la mort--rien n'est important. (My attempt at philosophical French: "That's life, that's death, nothing is important.")

But if I am crafted, if I am brought into being deliberately by my Creator, then the question still arises, unsatisfied: Do I matter? Am I important in the works of creation or am I cosmic cannon fodder? Would the universe suffer by my absence?

I have cried out to God to let me matter. I don't mean naming a bridge or a school after me mattering. I don't mean my name in lights or spoken by tv news anchors, show hosts or celebrities mattering. I don't want to be a household name like Billy Graham. That level of mattering would drain me.

What matters about mattering to me? I want people's lives to be better because I was there. That's all. Yes, my name in lights would be nice--what, I'm Ghandi? My ego is the size of Montana.

But more vital than the surface crap, far more, is the matter of mattering to other people. Of mattering to their hearts, souls and spirits. No, I do not want be Jesus Christ. No one wants a fat, insecure Messiah. You can't get booked on Regis and Kelly.

I want to live my life, the life apportioned to me and designed for me, and I want to know that's what I'm doing and that I'm supposed to be doing it. I want someone's day to be brighter because I was in it, even for a moment. I want to give someone a cold glass of grace when they're in the hot desert. No, what I do or say in that one moment won't save them or damn them, I don't want that power--not even a little of it. I want the people I give grace to, to remember me as a conduit of God's grace and they can feel more free to turn to God, just maybe, as a result. That they remember if God can use a man like me, He can use them far more profitably for the kingdom of grace.


Do I matter?


Anonymous said...

You matter, Ken. Most assuredly so!
Good wishes for you and the future of this blog~J64

Anonymous said...

Your struggle with this is quite frustrating to me. At weak moments, I question God's motives too, but my appraoch to him and his responses to me are quite different. Makes me want to come over there and slap you. Do suppose God feels that way too?

KenWritez said...

Hi Pru-- Yes, I'm sure He does. It's a reaction I get from a lot of people. ;)>

emifriend said...

"I want someone's day to be brighter because I was in it, even for a moment."

Ken.. I still laugh over and even quote some of the things you have said to me and I have not spoken to you in what... most of a decade? You have given me that cold cup of grace in many of my hot deserts and I am still grateful for it. I just had to tell you.