Where we wrestle with the sublime, mysterious, powerful and often frustrating paradox of God's necessary grace.

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Grace and walking away from the mouse fart


So, now that I'm awake, what now?

First off, a realization: What had imprisoned me, and will do so again the moment I allow it, is my own fear. That's all. Just fear. Something that seems so overwhelming, yet also so small, thin and inconsequential.

How many of us fear someone, some situation, some circumstance or thing, only to discover when we're tossed into it, that our fear was papier-mache? Tinfoil, shadow and Popsicle sticks?

LOL! We were afraid of nothing but shadows and smoke!

Years ago I worked as a tech support agent for ACT!, a powerful contact management software application. I was a grunt, a first-tier support, the guy who's on the front lines, taking calls every eight minutes on the corporate 800 line. After a time, my boss called me into his cube and said he was moving me to the 900 number support line. This means the caller is now paying $3/minute to talk to me, and so only the better techs are on this line. No caller is going to want to spend $9 while the agent frantically surfs the company support knowledge base or runs off to find a second-tier tech to ask.

But me? On the 900 line? Man, I freaked out! What the hell was my boss thining? I can't do 900 support, I don't know the program well enough yet, my research skills are crap, I can't, I don't, I haven't, etc., etc.

The next morning comes way too fast and it's my time to die on the 900 line. 8:00...no calls yet. Whew! 8:01, no calls yet. 8:02, no calls yet. 8:03, 8:04, 8:05, hey I might survive this day, I might--8:06 RIIING! SHIT! My sphincter slams shut and I wonder how hard it is to collect unemployment as I clear my throat and stab the TALK button on my phone. "Thanks for calling ACT! support, this is Ken, how can I help you today?"

I breezed through the call. It was cake, I don't remember who or what it was, (probably blown index files or something) just that I answered the caller's questions quickly and without hesitation.

Damn, maybe I can do this!

And maybe I could, and definitely I did. In fact, I was on 900 support for the next year or so until I was promoted to the internal Help Desk at the company.

All that fear and anxiety, none of it worth a mouse fart.

I don't know if fear is a habit I can completely give up in a few minutes or a few months. Maybe not even a few years. But God hasn't called me to be fearless next year or next week. Rather, He calls me to trust Him a half-percent more than I trust in my fear. He calls me to be fearless only in my trust of Him, and that's problematic for me, given some of the issues plaguing our relatiosnhip. But, if I can set aside my fear of Him not being Him, then I think we'll go places together.

Like maybe off this dunghill and out into the sunrise....

1 comment:

E said...

You said.....
But God hasn't called me to be fearless next year or next week. Rather, He calls me to trust Him a half-percent more than I trust in my fear.

Thank you Kenwritez... I needed that... That is some goood stuff...