Where we wrestle with the sublime, mysterious, powerful and often frustrating paradox of God's necessary grace.

Monday, April 20, 2009

Rotary oscillator, meet biological waste product

Well, it's hit the fan now.

My brother R. found this blog, read enough of it to send me a GFY email a few hours ago accusing me of hating him, calling me ungrateful, "the phoniest Christian I know," and swearing he'll never ask me for help again.

Part of me wants to saddle up and counter-attack, venting the considerable amount of bile I've just realized I still have toward him, listing the ways he's been a sonofabitch to me.

I asked my wife how I should respond to him, and she said do nothing for now. I think she's right. If I respond tonight, he'd not hear anything constructive I said. I don't know if I'd be able to resist the temptation to counter-attack.

In essence, doing to him what what he's doing to me.

If grace means anything to me, it means I get to love my brother even when all I want to do is hurt him as I've been hurt, when all I can see of him is entirely negative.

This, I think, is the work of grace. So much of me begs to throw his sins in his face and trumpet my virtue as victim.

So I will shut my piehole. I will ask God for His grace on both of us and on anyone else who becomes involved. I will pray for R., and pray honestly, not one of those "God, help him not be such an asshole" POS prayers.

I considered taking down the blog in case R. notified our other sibs about it and they read it. Their reaction would likely parallel his. But if I do that, it seems to me I wouldn't have the courage of my words. I stand by everything I've written here. (Certainly I could have phrased some thoughts more clearly or more diplomatically.)

If I've been nothing else on this blog, I've been as honest as I can. I've confessed my sins publicly and laid claim to the mea culpas which seemed appropriate to me. I won't promise my perceptions are accurate, but given what I know and feel and remember, I've done my best to tell the truth.

This blog is my way to work out the incredibly messy and often painful road I walk toward God's grace. It's also the way I can show how God's grace meets me where I am and demands only that I allow myself to be loved by Him.

R. will calm down in a while, perhaps we can talk then.


ADDENDUM 21 April:

R. has told me he wants no further communication with me and suggests I'm no longer his brother. (Oh, and I'm still a lousy Christian. He's right, it's a main theme of this entire blog.) I responded I would not fight with him and he should do whatever he had to do. That's where things stand for now.



No change.


Anonymous said...

I think your blog is verbal vomit, rambling horseshit. You have been a lazy kid your whole life, using your religion as a crutch and an excuse for everything. Sneaking into Church services ten minutes before the end and then acting like you've been there the whole time.

Your turned your back on your siblings and both of your parents. Dad, I can understand but Mom and our siblings who treated you great, I don't get it.

Too bad your still milking this "victim - no body loved me" excuse. Grow up, put it behind you and move on.


Anonymous said...

Honesty hurts.
Time heals.
It is done.
People vent...and in the end they are all forgiven.

KenWritez said...

Anonymous, I'm going to leave your comments up. It's obvious who you are. As I emailed you previously, I'm not going to fight with you.

I'm strongly tempted. Every time I see your words I want to call you every name I can think of and slap the shit out of you.

But this blog is a forum for grace, and I'd be a piss-poor agent of grace if I surrendered to my desire for vengeance. So I'll let your post be my hair shirt. It brings the frustration and hurt I feel to the surface and keeps it there, allowing God to deal with it in me as He will, teaching me He is more prevalent, more powerful than my circumstances, and that He loves me and He loves you through my response to you.

I also get to learn daily persistence by pursuing grace continually in this situation.